There’s no point in what I am going to write, and there’s no point in mentioning that too. But it’s been a while since I’ve stopped doing all the things that made me feel good – Playing Guitar, Writing, Composing music, watching Friends (TV series), listening to new music, Running, and all other things that made my day. And to be practical it was all because of state of mind. There was no point of stopping. I had an awful month trying to figure out the point of doing anything, or everything, and all I could do was nothing. So I am just going to write some things without thinking about what point they’ll make.
Any independent work has ups and downs, and seeing the negative sides of life isn’t a new experience for me. And I cannot blame a series of failures for making me this negative. It’s more of a shift in comfort zone, which is ironic since I have already stepped out of certain comfort zone to live the life I want. Few months back I had an ordinary life and like every person, there were certain people that were important to me, people that I used to live with, work with and spend my weekends with, people who’ve held my back in all the ups and downs of my life, who’ve been at my beck and call every time I needed. Then one day I decided that I’ll have to move to another city, and so I went on a 15 day trip to the city looking for future prospects of my work. That’s when I first realized that I’m infected by the virus of comfort, and it’s serious. Life on the other edge seemed to be cunning. The fear of standing against this virus made me numb. It actually physically made me unresponsive to almost everything – Talking out, screaming, listening, watching motivational videos, masturbating, working-out, drinking, nothing seemed to reach to my core. And it grew on me when I was shifting places, 8th time in past 3 years, after returning. It was different this time. People come and go, and I always thought that I am now used to that, but I guess I was wrong about myself. It’s like I had a treasure box till yesterday which I traded to take one more step towards my dreams. My destination still looks faded, but I lost the treasure box.
I started feeling incapable of doing anything and worthless to aspire for anything big. I couldn’t see the point of moving forward. My last released single failed miserably, and I couldn’t see the point of recording any more songs and releasing them. And since a lot of already composed songs were in line for recording and production, I couldn’t see the point of composing any new songs. All the projects/collaborations that I did for other people have earned them well, but failed to get me any kind of notice or name. My hunt for more projects became feeble as I couldn’t see a point of doing that. And finally I couldn’t see the point of losing the treasure box. Some people advised me to take professional help, start meditation, go on a meditation camp, etc. But doing all of that will mean giving in and I am not that weak yet. My music was my meditation and since a month my guitar strings and my fingers have become the same poles of a magnet. But I am sure I haven’t lost it, I can feel it inside me and it’s time I accept the challenge to play hide and seek with it. The one thing that I have accepted, or knelt before, is the quest of finding the point. As an old friend/mentor said, “If you look at the bigger picture, there’s nothing in the world that has a point as ultimately it’s going to end. You fight for a million dreams, and then one day you die. You should continue with your pursuit and stop finding reasons for everything. May be somewhere down your journey you might, but you’ll have to not stop.” And so, the journey will continue.
To all the people who came and went away and to some who are still hanging-in for me – I am a smaller person than you are. Somewhere down the line you’ve been an unalterable part of my story. I can never return what you did for me but I can promise you this: Your share in my pursuit will not go waste. May be the turn of events was not sad enough to be this negative and depressed about, but I have recovered from it. And to even the one person who follows my music – Cheers to this yet another beginning. My new single will be coming out soon.
Here is the link to my last release single: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSY9uEjfMfo
*the featured image for the post is a sketch by the sand-artist Manisha Swarnkar. You can find her on: sandartmanisha.com